When In Doubt

I’ve sat here typing, deleting, typing again. Crying. Praying. Thinking. Giving up. Starting over. Talking things through with my husband. Processing. Crying some more. Typing, deleting, typing again.

How can I be sure that God called me to this? This writing, speaking, ministering. I am not equipped. I am not worthy or wise. There is so much doubt that rises when I think of the future of my call or capabilities.

I’ve looked at my role models. They’re wise, intelligent, kind, discerning. They know all the right responses to the hot button topics of today, and they make good, Biblical arguments for the truth they are putting in the world. Meanwhile, I sound just like an opinionated, ranting and raving hypocrite.

I don’t know why in the world God would call me to this. I don’t know why in the world He would tell me, who has a lot of words but not so much a way with them, to speak and write. I don’t know why He put a desire in me to minister in public spaces to women. I don’t spend enough time on my knees to be well equipped to stand in front of a crowd. There is not a part of me that feels like I can do this.

I am so not worthy of this call.

But neither was Moses. Or David. Or Paul. The common thing at work in their lives was God Himself. He equipped them, guided them, and inspired them. He was their one true love. It was the desire of their hearts to know Him, and they couldn’t get enough of Him. They, alone, were not worthy. It was going to take the work of God to make them into anything other than an ordinary man. He was the one that was going to equip them to move forward, to provide the way, to provide the discernment. Their only job was to know God and obey. And they did because each one of them, and many others, saw God as worthy.

My only job is to know God and obey. God doesn’t ask if we feel worthy or equipped. He doesn’t ask if we are ready or if we know what we are supposed to do. He already knows that. He knows what He desires to use us to accomplish; He knows what materials we have and what materials we need. If this is what He has called me to, He will grant me wisdom, discernment, growth, and whatever help I need if I will just ask for it. Because if God has called us to a thing, He will surely see it through. He knows our struggles and our questions, but He chooses to use us anyway.

God uses us in spite of our insecurities, and sometimes because of them, so that we are able to minister to people that others cannot. God uses us for His glory, not ours. This isn’t about my worthiness, as much as I would like for it to be so that I could use it as an excuse. I must press into Him if I am to overcome any doubt of what He is calling me to because the enemy will prey on that weakness. He is our Defender and our confidence.

I’m so not worthy, but He is.

Because of that, I do not have to doubt. He is worth it.

He is worthy.