Reflections from the New Me

I’ve never really understood the “New Year, New Me” concept. I mean, I get that the new year is a time to make changes, set new intentions, reorient our focus, but that’s a matter of habits and rhythms rather than a transformation of self. Of course, the argument could be made that these things change us because they provide the opportunity to learn but…

Doesn’t every day do that? Each day is a new day that brings a more experienced, hopefully wiser, and new version of the self into it. Such is the process of living.

Still, each year, I choose a word that helps me focus for the year. Last year, I chose the word “unfiltered.” When I chose this word, I had in mind that I would show up as myself with nothing held back. This was not intended to be permission for me to lose my manners, to ignore context, or to disregard the impact my actions have on others. Instead, it was an invitation for me to take up space without holding back any part of me, without softening who I am in order to be tolerated, and for me to realize that I am worthy to show up with all of me. I was removing the filters I allowed society to dictate I needed.

Let me pause here. I get that if you know me in real life you’re probably thinking, “You’ve held back?!” I understand why you’re thinking that because I am loud and bold and energetic. My mouth often outruns the filter in my brain, and I tend to be a bit impulsive when I set my mind to something. I’ve been told I’m “too much” (a conversation for another day), and I honestly thought I never really cared until I stepped back to see how I really softened myself in order to belong.

I spent the last year reminding myself to show up. As all of me.

When I spent time with family, I loved hard, I shared my opinions (even when I knew it might ruffle feathers), and I was honest about what I was feeling.

I pursued earning my Masters in theology. This is the point where many people in my family rolled their eyes because “that’s all she ever talks about.” Not only that, but this adventure has allowed me to more fully develop some of those most unpopular opinions. Showing up with those… well, you can imagine how that goes.

At work, I realized that I don’t give myself enough credit for my expertise. There’s a lot I don’t know, but there is also an awful lot that I can offer. I learned, and I shared what I know. I tried new things. I was bold and made no apologies for my opinions.

I found myself coming into my own as a mom. I was brave enough to figure out what works for our family, admit when I’m wrong, and unapologetically teach my kids about Jesus and how he loves us. I’m brave enough to admit I think - unless the Lord does a work in each of us - we’re done. I’m comfortable with holding screaming babies for exhausted moms while they eat.

When I spent time with my husband, we laughed a lot, cried some, and had hard and honest conversations.

I’ve been willing to admit defeat or that I don’t know everything.

In the moments I was tempted to make me more palatable by offering phrases like “Does that make sense?” and “I’m not the expert but…”, I stopped myself. I owned my expertise, and I reminded imposter syndrome that it has no place in my life anymore.

Some of this showing up as my full self has pushed people away. I’ve learned in some circles I’m the “black sheep.” And when I’m discouraged by that, I sit back to evaluate why that may be. Often, it’s because I’ve showed up as all of me. My Jesus-loving, opinionated, not buying into a lot of what the world has to offer self has been pushed out and uninvited. But I’ve heard it said that you need to be in rooms of people who celebrate you rather than simply tolerate you. When I make that mindset shift, it’s easier to take being uninvited.

While showing up “unfiltered” seems like an odd choice for me, and that it might place a bigger target on me to be “too much,” I made peace with that. And I would be lying if I said that showing up in this way meant for me to only bring more of me. Sometimes, I learned, showing up as all of me means giving myself permission to be quiet, to reflect, to process. It’s a part of me I’ve not honored much in my life, but I’m recognizing I need more of as I grow.

This year, I’m not bringing a new me into the new year. Rather, I’m bringing all of me into the new year.

This newest version of me isn’t perfect by any means, but I’m not the same person I was ten years ago or even ten days ago. I’m growing and evolving, such is the process of sanctification.

This year, my belief needs sanctified. Doubt has too long been a leech attached to my faith - in ways that are unhealthy. It’s to pursue FAITH.

Here’s to taking God at His word, friend.