5 Ways to Love Others
Nothing worked to this point, and I was out of ideas. I pulled my son out of his car seat and tucked his arms to his side, pulling his hot, sweaty body tightly against mine. His screaming quieted, his breaths turned into gasps for air, and his began to slow. The car ride between my parents’ home and ours turned in to sort of a time out after he chose to throw a wall-eyed fit over not getting his way. We hugged for a long while with his head on my shoulder, drenched in tears. I realized as I held him that in that moment, when punishment wasn’t working, he just needed to know he was loved even though he showcased poor judgement. Is this what it can look like to love others well? Letting them know they are loved even though it isn’t easy or it isn’t what we are inclined to do.
In Christian circles, there’s a call to love each other well, but there seems to be some confusion on how to do that.
Sure, it’s a great catch phrase, and there are several examples in the Bible of what that should look like but when I observe the state of the world, I notice there isn’t a whole lot of practice when it comes to loving each other, much less loving each other well. And - no doubt - if we don’t practice this when people are watching in public spaces, how much less will we do it behind the closed doors of our homes.
This is where the breakdown between the instruction of Scripture and the practice of loving others begins to be seen clearly. If we can act lovingly in these 5 ways within the four walls of our home, surely, we will be able to love others well beyond our own homes.
Discipline
Right off the bat, I’m going to ask you to stay with me. I don’t want to lose you here when you think I’ve started using dirty words. Discipline doesn’t have to be that. But I get it because I’ve noticed this has become a hot-button issue in the parenting world of today. (Maybe it always has been, but I’ve been unaware because I was not yet a parent.) It’s also - I would say - the hardest part of parenting. Especially when our kids resist it.
But aren’t we the same way with God? We resist discipline, but we know, ultimately, that discipline is for our good. So, when it comes to discipline we should follow the example of God Himself as we seek to teach those under our care how to respond to authority, how to make wise choices, and how to accept consequences without bringing shame. In addition, we should allow the Holy Spirit to guide us in our discipline as we recognize that our Father God is both tender and authoritative. He shows us grace and mercy, yet He does not allow us to do whatever we want without consequence, but He uses those consequences to instruct us.
If we are in Christ, we are His children. Hebrews 12:5-7 says, “And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? ‘My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.’ It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?”
There are many parenting philosophies from gentle parenting to restorative justice to spanking. All of which have their own nay-sayers and champions alike. In any case, no type of parenting philosophy should allow the child to be completely in control, free of consequences, or permit them to do whatever they please nor should it be abusive or an abuse of power. We should not find ourselves in a situation where we want to discipline our children to simply modify their behavior so that we are not inconvenienced or irritated.
Instead, discipline should be a way that our children see the heart of God. We should use these opportunities to point those under our care back to God Himself. Discipline should be a way that we showcase our love for our families. It’s a way we disciple our families.
Fun
I am convinced that God is fun and that He is creative. Don’t believe me? Tell me, then, why He created us to laugh, why He created us with adrenaline, why He created things like the platypus or flamingo or dodo bird. He loves us through fun.
This might be a new idea because a lot of times people tend to think that Christians can’t have fun, that they’re boring, and that they’re really just sticks in the mud following a lot of “don’t” commands. This is a reasonable assumption if you trace religious roots back to the Puritans who originally settled in America. These Puritans were so concerned with keeping the laws and doing all the right things to please God that their lives were little more than a chore. On the other hand, this could be a reasonable assumption if we’re judging the standards of fun by what society deems as a good time; this is the idea that we can do whatever feels good, whatever makes us happy, whatever we want. Both ends of the spectrum here are not actually fun. Instead, these are what lives that are bound look like. However, there’s another way:
When Adam and Eve were created and found themselves in the garden, they were there to enjoy God’s creation and God Himself. God instructed the Israelites to celebrate. Jesus celebrated at weddings and dinners and the like. God gave us seasons, plants, flowers, rivers, oceans, people. He commanded us to have joy and told us that He gives abundant life. This is a gift of love to His people.
If we are going to love our families well, we need to learn to laugh. We need to learn to find joy. We need to remember that God gives abundant life when we submit to His authority. Otherwise, everyone in our house is going to be pretty miserable.
Clarity
We had not yet been married five years when I remember being so frustrated with my husband because I just bared my soul to him - through tears, mind you - and he said nothing. No words. Just looked at me for a few seconds and then went on about his day. This did no favors in the tears department because I was now mad that he had not responded and I felt like he didn’t care about anything I just said. I did have the wherewithal to take a moment and compose myself before talking to him about it.
“Hey, when you just walked away and didn’t respond to what I said, I felt like you didn’t care or weren’t listening.” When he asked me how I wanted him to respond, it was like a gut punch. Didn’t he know?! But the truth was that in his mind, there wasn’t really anything to say what I shared. He couldn’t fix it, and he didn’t need to process it, so what else should he have done? From that point forward, we established that when these situations arose, it was perfectly reasonable for him to ask me, “Do you need to vent or do you need a response?”
While it may sound silly, this is a question that forces us to provide clarity in our communication. It’s loving that we set these clear expectations.
Whether it is with out children, our spouse, our parents, friends, whoever, it is necessary that we communicate clearly. We cannot expect people to respond in helpful ways if they are not sure what to expect. If we keep them guessing or we force them to play the petty “They should know” game, we aren’t loving them well. Instead, it is almost as if we are trying to catch them in a trap so that we can play the victim.
Not only that, but we need clarity so that we can be successful. We need to be clear in how we teach our children to care for themselves, to steward the gifts we’ve been given as we clean the house, or how to respect others.
Affection
This seems obvious, doesn’t it? Yet, we seem to be craving more. We need touch, especially if our love language is physical touch. It seems as though we’ve been conditioned to think that showing affections are a sign of weakness. As if tenderness is something to be ashamed of…
When babies cry, we whisk them up, cuddle them, and pat their backs. We give them kisses, hold them close, and hug them. We see them begin to calm down because of affection. It’s an indication that we need to know we are loved through touch.
Hug people. Hold a hand. Embrace. Let them know they are loved, that you are near. It’s not anything to be ashamed of; in fact, let’s be brave enough to be seen as tender.
Listen
This is one we know, but it’s not one we practice well. We hear a lot, but we do not actually listen. We have so much input through television, social media, music, and all the things. Each of these tend to get one of our ears and attention, so we aren’t fully focused. That said, we aren’t actually listening to those we love.
Our attentions are divided, and we aren’t listening. In doing this, we miss hearing the heart of those around us. We miss getting to experience the world around us through the eyes of those we love. We miss being challenged, encouraged, and known. When we are heard, we are reminded of how loved we are.
Loving those in our family is simple, but not necessarily easy. If we can get this right - most of the time, at least - we can make it a practice that extends beyond our walls to help us love others.